My SGE story (Christena)

Hi again ladies,

My first post was really an introduction to the blog and not to myself.  But since our reason for this blog is to share, I'd like to share a bit of my story and maybe in a later post, talk about how I've healed over the last six months since saying goodbye to my Bennett.

My first hint that something was wrong was at 15 weeks with a triple screening that showed 1/100 chance of T18 or T13.  I'd never heard of these and looked them up.  Rather than feel devastated, I just felt that it couldn't be.  On my 15 week u/s, I saw a baby moving all around and what I read about T18 and T13 made me think that even at 15 weeks it would be obvious.  So I had a happy wait until my 18 week u/s.  Then my world began a its terrible spiral.  I was told that in the Bahamas I'd have to wait 3 weeks for results, so I flew to the Florida the next morning and through a dear friend who works in women's health, got an appointment the next day at a top rated clinic for level II u/s and amnio.  

I wanted so badly for things to be ok, that I only listened to the hope that the doctor gave me. He said he thought that the bubble on my little boys belly might be a cyst and not an omphalecele.  I heard him say that the hole in his heart was not altogether uncommon for babies at this age of gestation and could be operated if that all it was.  The CPCs were just soft markers.  I actually left the office that day elated because I believed again that it had been a horrible mistake by my doctor at home.  Bennett would be fine and now I could tell everyone.  

I went on vacation with my family and we celebrated.  "Finally!" my dad said since he's the only of his siblings that isn't a grandfather.  When I was in the airport to head back home, my cell phone rang and my sun was eclipsed.  Trisomy 18.  I don't know how I survived the 6 hour flight.  

My greatest regret.  I made my decision too quickly - I made it for the right reasons and I would not have made a different decision, but I certainly would have done it differently.  I hadn't read all the stories from the T18 Foundation site.  I didn't know that if I went back to the Bahamas, I could have been induced and not had to go through the humiliation of an "abortion" clinic with a heartless doctor and apathetic staff.  My most difficult moment was made far worse by a total lack of compassion for my loss and my terminally ill baby.  I truly believe that if I had been in an atmosphere of love and gratitude for the tiny gift I had been given for such a short time, my guilt might have been lessened.  Instead, that atmosphere of love, compassion and gratitude came a bit later through the T18 support site.  I can't imagine how different my heart and healing would be today, 6 months later, had it not been for the community of women from T18 support.

I'm sorry I've written so much, but I just wanted to tell you all that I love you ladies!!!

Hugs,

Christena

(picture is of me and my other baby)